lost miracles

lost miracles

 
We weren’t trying to get pregnant. It wasn’t until the anatomy scan that we knew she would be alright despite the Lithium.

 
unexpected guest
I sweep the dirt
under the rug

 
Hours after birth they pull her off my breast. The medication we thought was safe, still isn’t.

 
fresh basil
with every cut
a bruise

 
As I stand at the sink mixing formula, my eyes settle on the middle distance.

 
postpartum depression
even her cries
can’t reach me

 

4 of 5 haibun published in Scryptic Magazine Issue 2.1

Frameless Sky – Issue 8

how you freckle
in the sun
La Grande Jatte

 


 

a fresh page

i swirl the dregs
of my espresso
and memorize the plaza

knowing that tomorrow
this ends

 


 

at a Peruvian market

i watched you bite
into fresh pineapple

you marveled and wondered
why it couldn’t always
be this way

 

Frameless Sky – Issue 8

Copies are available for sale and there is a sneak preview video that I am in as well!

beyond the pale

beyond the pale

 
It was days after our daughter’s birth that we decided to leave. We set up an exit strategy that took months of careful negotiation to pull off. Explanations of theological differences were cited. Lies about being “called to the workforce and out of ministry” were given. Anything we could grab at we did. The truth was that we couldn’t look at our baby and see God anymore. At least not their god.

 
folded pamphlet
I follow the preacher’s
snakeskin shoes

 

3 of 5 haibun published in Scryptic Magazine Issue 2.1

present and accounted for

present and accounted for

 
Sitting in the nursery, reading all your current favorites, we sink deeply into one another. This moment,while your whole body still fits snugly into my lap, makes me almost forget. Your weight, your warmth, is a balm to my mind. I almost forget the pills I take three times a day. The days I’m not sure I can do this any longer. The weeks, months, years, spent dancing on the edge of madness. Here, the seconds expand into lifetimes. I have yet to disappoint you. Yet to become someone you no longer recognize. Yet to be a source of shame. I am still the one you run to after you fall. Still the one you call for in the middle of the night. Still mama. I am not what I was, I’m not what I will be, I am who you believe me to be; safe and sound.

 
locked door
the way my nurse says
“good night”

 

2 of 5 haibun published in Scryptic Magazine Issue 2.1

waiting

waiting

 
I watch the yolk break and run into the egg white. They don’t know that I’ve spent the morning fighting back tears of depression. I call out that breakfast will be ready soon and ask them what they want to drink. Watching the eggs bubble I wonder if I should have ever had children at all. Strawberries sit on the cutting board and the bread bag is still twisted shut. I stand in the kitchen fighting against the winter and the dark and the cold. The kids wander in and start pulling their plates off the counter. And I pull on my smile.

 
cloudy night
how my shadow
hides

 

1st of 5 haibun published in Scryptic Magazine Issue 2.1

Outside In

Outside In

 

revival service
the way words
fall into our wallets

 

altar call
I check the dip
of my neckline

 

demonic oppression
my statements
turn to questions

 

laying on of hands
the slight pass
over my bra strap

 

born again
what I love
becomes sin

 

a test
of my faith
biology 101

 

group prayer
how we keep up
with the joneses

 

daily devotions
all the ways
I’m undone

 

repentance
not enough
hot coals

 

deconversion
sunday mornings
now my own

 

Honored to appear in Scryptic Magazine Issue 2.1!

Premier issue of #FemkuMag

Thrilled to have been a part of the premier issue of #FemkuMag – an online haiku journal dedicated to the work of women of all kinds

 

morning cartoons
I shake out
the last pill

 

no makeup
to cover these scars
naked lilies

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